Hey, as I was headed to the gym after work yesterday, going through the same push and pull dilemma that I brave every single evening, wondering whether it was fair to be so selfish when I could so easily see my daughter a good hour and a half in advance if I went straight to her instead of to the gym, I realised yet again how this very selfishness has kept me sane so far.
I don't know what sort of mom you are. Are you the mother earth type of mom? Did motherhood come to you naturally, easily? Did you wait with joy and anticipation for this stage of your life? Were you the sorts who'd pull the cheeks of random kids at malls, know the neighbour's kids by name, be the natural baby sitter choice for siblings and cousin's children, run to the reception when a colleague got a kid over, and then ooh and aah over their little bundles....
Well then maybe this post isn't for you.
I, for one, was none of the above.
Children never interested me. I never oohed and aahed over the boss's kids (though I suspect some people do that not for the kid but for the boss), I never went charging at kids at parties and I haven't ever cleaned the poop of my one and only brother's one and only son, though we used to live in the same house. I was the absentee fun aunt. Not the caring mom-surrogate.
Hence, parenting was one jumanji adventure for me. A game I am just about beginning to understand the rules of. A game I am barely learning to play.
While I completely dote on my daughter, I sometimes think I behave like the same 'fun' aunt with her, as I did with my nephew. I take my role as a care giver to be a duty. I take my role as a playmate much more seriously!!
If you feel you belong to the same category of Her Mommyness, here are some tips:
1. Have one purely selfish pursuit in your day, everyday, after the first 40 days post delivery get over. [you won't have time to be selfish before 40 days]. This pursuit should seriously be only about you. And take up a good hour or so of your day. [you may not be able to afford anything longer for a while]
2. Take care of your body. Get back into your pre pregnancy shape - whatever that shape was.
3. Avoid ANYBODY who calls you 'over the hill', 'fuddy duddy', 'loser' or 'ancient'. Even if that includes your husband.
4. Get yourself a good padeatrician. Trust me, you will bless yourself for this. Its as much for you as it is for the baby.
5. Buy make up. And use it.
6. Don't allow other new mommies to compete. If they get competitive, opt out. Children are way too precious for this ugly game.
7. Don't measure your love against milestones [refer to previous post]
8. If you used to drink before you got pregnant, start having the ocassional drink. [time it so it won't get into the next breastfeed!]
9. Insist that some nights are managed by somebody else - your spouse, the nanny, a friend, your parent anyone you can trust. I made the mistake of not doing this. Please don't. Every few weeks, insist on a full night entirely by yourself.
10. Eat chocolate.
11. Get facials.
12. If you are a reader, always somehow make the time for a good book. No matter what.
13. If you used to watch movies, find the first possible opportunity to start watching movies again. Once a week, at least.
14. This may seem early to you, but seriously, the sooner you do it the better - let your child know you are vulnerable. You too feel sad. And droopy. And exhausted. You are NOT super woman. How you communicate this will be uniquely individual to you, but somehow, get this across.
15. Don't feel compelled to attend any social do, event, ocassion, party for the wrong reasons i.e. obligation, duty or expectation. Go only if you feel like. Or junk it.
16. Tell yourself you will ONLY wear comfortable clothes, NO MATTER WHAT. Style, fashion, ocassion be damned. Comfort clothing and footwear is the one thing you owe yourself, for at least an entire year. Even if its a wedding you are going for.
17. Don't accomodate every visitor who wants to come and see the baby. Say no. Politely, but firmly, as many times as you wish to. You are allowed.
18. Put your head in your baby's lap, and take the baby's hand to stroke your face, during moments of pure exhaustion. Trust me, even though you know its make believe, that comforting will do you a world of good.
19. Make noise when the baby is asleep. Watch TV, listen to the radio, chat. Let the baby get used to sleeping in some noise, else you'll forever be walking on your tiptoes and speaking in whispers.
20. Don't keep getting into a flap whenever its time to breast feed, looking for a dupatta to cover yourself, or hunting for an empty room while the baby wails in your arm. Throw people out. You have first right. If you were in the sitting room with three other people, let the other 3 leave and shut the door behind them. You stay where you are and start feeding. Its others who need to be considerate during this time, not you.
21. Stay away from all older mothers who viciously try and tell you its only going to get worse. Trust me, its not. It gets better every single day. Those who say it gets worse are just being malicious. Or else they were such lousy moms that maybe it got worse for them, who knows. You don't need to.
22. Get back to work as soon as you feel ready. Not a day earlier, not a day later. Don't go earlier out of a sense of obligation to the job - most companies are very sensitive to maternity issues these days. And don't go later out of a sense of obligation to the baby (even though you've organised the best, safest and most reliable day care possible) because the sooner the baby gets used to the fact that 'mommy leaves and then comes back' the sooner you'll be able to get your career back on track. And for us "Mom's at Work" that's important, right?
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
From PA to Parent
After 18 astounding, amazing, arduous, adventurous and awe inspiring months, I have wisened up to one very obvious, very basic truth.
A truth that we all probably intellectually know, but to grasp it at an emotional level takes time. Genuinely. And a fair amount of soul searching.
It is really important, essential even, to sit back, relax and enjoy your baby for who she is, and not view her simply as a milestone checklist.
Whoa. Hang on. Don't say 'but thats obvious'.... I know it is. But you don't even realise when you start to slip into the checklist mentality, especially nowadays, with so much written, shared, blogged, texted, exchanged about parenting.
When we were growing up, things were probably less specialised but also more holistic. Children were viewed as little people. Not a separate species. This had its bad as well as its good. I remember being taken to the same family doctor as the rest of the family, when I fell ill. Ma says we kids never had padeatricians. She can't even recall when we quit the bottle or started on solid food or any of those details, not just because it was so many years ago, but also because she wasn't keep track or writing dates on a diary. Nor was anybody telling her to achieve a certain target by a certain date.
She more or less went with her instinct, and far more importantly, with a sense of what we kids were ready for. And even, what she, as a mother and a woman, was ready for. As a result, whatever we did or achieved happened at a very organic level.
Compare that to today, when everyone, from the padeats to peers, are constantly giving you targets: Only breastfeed for the first 6 months. Don't give the bottle. Oh now give the bottle. Now you should be able to see so many teeth. Now there should be x number of words spoken. Now she should be crawling. What, isn't she running? O now stop the bottle. Start on solid food. Start on one fruit. Isn't she having juice? O doesn't she smile at strangers? Get her into a play group. O why aren't you taking other mothers out for lunch. O how much sun does she see? O she should by now be spending x hours outdoors. Only x minutes of TV. O start brushing without paste. Now start brushing with paste. Why did you start toilet training so early. O why haven't you started toilet training yet? Aren't you telling bed time stories still? O doesn't she understand cartoon shows?
O man. Before you know it, all you are doing is ticking off on a mental checklist. Your baby is only as pleasing as the next milestone she achieves. Your baby is laughing, but at the wrong time. Your baby is pointing, but at the wrong thing. Your baby is playing, but the wrong game...
And then one day you wake up to the sheer beauty and wonder and joy and delight and unique magical gift that she is.
And the entire weight falls off your shoulder.
You smile. You laugh. You gurgle back.
Congratulations. You just became a parent.
A truth that we all probably intellectually know, but to grasp it at an emotional level takes time. Genuinely. And a fair amount of soul searching.
It is really important, essential even, to sit back, relax and enjoy your baby for who she is, and not view her simply as a milestone checklist.
Whoa. Hang on. Don't say 'but thats obvious'.... I know it is. But you don't even realise when you start to slip into the checklist mentality, especially nowadays, with so much written, shared, blogged, texted, exchanged about parenting.
When we were growing up, things were probably less specialised but also more holistic. Children were viewed as little people. Not a separate species. This had its bad as well as its good. I remember being taken to the same family doctor as the rest of the family, when I fell ill. Ma says we kids never had padeatricians. She can't even recall when we quit the bottle or started on solid food or any of those details, not just because it was so many years ago, but also because she wasn't keep track or writing dates on a diary. Nor was anybody telling her to achieve a certain target by a certain date.
She more or less went with her instinct, and far more importantly, with a sense of what we kids were ready for. And even, what she, as a mother and a woman, was ready for. As a result, whatever we did or achieved happened at a very organic level.
Compare that to today, when everyone, from the padeats to peers, are constantly giving you targets: Only breastfeed for the first 6 months. Don't give the bottle. Oh now give the bottle. Now you should be able to see so many teeth. Now there should be x number of words spoken. Now she should be crawling. What, isn't she running? O now stop the bottle. Start on solid food. Start on one fruit. Isn't she having juice? O doesn't she smile at strangers? Get her into a play group. O why aren't you taking other mothers out for lunch. O how much sun does she see? O she should by now be spending x hours outdoors. Only x minutes of TV. O start brushing without paste. Now start brushing with paste. Why did you start toilet training so early. O why haven't you started toilet training yet? Aren't you telling bed time stories still? O doesn't she understand cartoon shows?
O man. Before you know it, all you are doing is ticking off on a mental checklist. Your baby is only as pleasing as the next milestone she achieves. Your baby is laughing, but at the wrong time. Your baby is pointing, but at the wrong thing. Your baby is playing, but the wrong game...
And then one day you wake up to the sheer beauty and wonder and joy and delight and unique magical gift that she is.
And the entire weight falls off your shoulder.
You smile. You laugh. You gurgle back.
Congratulations. You just became a parent.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Leaving Town
My first night away, my baby
I can't deflect it anymore
Chained to a job that expects a bit more...
Its been over two years,
Its some gratitude time
They have been so patient
Refusing wouldn't be so nice.
My airline of choice
Has downgraded me from platinum to blue
My frequent flyer miles
I can't deflect it anymore
Chained to a job that expects a bit more...
Its been over two years,
Its some gratitude time
They have been so patient
Refusing wouldn't be so nice.
My airline of choice
Has downgraded me from platinum to blue
My frequent flyer miles
Have been eaten up too
But as I take that flight
And spend that night
In a hotel room
My first unbroken sleep
In a millenia of gloom
I hope you won't cry baby
Mama's got a job
I hope you won't reach out in the dark
And whimper and sob
Because its so far away
And the first flight is at daylight
And in between
There's you and me
And an aloof sea
And the unwinding of one night........
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Broken Sleep
And with what adhesive do you join it back? Hold it tight so the breakage mends.
And baby sleep is whole again?
And baby sleep is whole again?
Monday, February 1, 2010
Wild Weekend Party
Well, if you had mud on your face, grass in your hair and jam and peanut butter streaks on your face, wouldn't you call that wild?
Yeah, so its not what we described as a 'wild weekend' 5 years ago. So...?
Shaayari gets stuck to me with velcro on weekends. Friday night to Monday morning, I have many names for her: Clingaroo... Chipku Bandar... you get the idea.
I don't mind it. I am a weekend mom anyway. I am not going to grudge my little urchin her clingy weekend moments. I want to cling too.
I hate mondays. Its like a painful peeling off... the hurried bye and the rush out of the door before she starts to bawl is worse than a punch in the belly. Its like the first time that waxing strip came off your leg. Boy, it hurts.
This weekend we sunned ourselves, played in the dirt, ate cheeseballs, watched mindless bollywood songs on TV and cuddled each other silly.
We gaa-gaa-goo-gooed and sang and danced and romped.
We laughed and tickled and chin chucked.
We oil massaged and rock-a-bye babied and nose rubbed.
We slept. And woke up. And slept. And reached out to keep a little of each other always within arm's distance.
I inhaled baby smell. She sniffaroo-ed mama smell.
And then there was a monday morning, bath, change, ready and run. A huffed out, I-don't-want-to-see-your-face-when-I-do-this rushed 'bye shaayari' and a wail that follows you down the stairs, like a knife thrust.
Sometimes I wonder: which paycheque is worth that?
Shaayari gets stuck to me with velcro on weekends. Friday night to Monday morning, I have many names for her: Clingaroo... Chipku Bandar... you get the idea.
I don't mind it. I am a weekend mom anyway. I am not going to grudge my little urchin her clingy weekend moments. I want to cling too.
I hate mondays. Its like a painful peeling off... the hurried bye and the rush out of the door before she starts to bawl is worse than a punch in the belly. Its like the first time that waxing strip came off your leg. Boy, it hurts.
This weekend we sunned ourselves, played in the dirt, ate cheeseballs, watched mindless bollywood songs on TV and cuddled each other silly.
We gaa-gaa-goo-gooed and sang and danced and romped.
We laughed and tickled and chin chucked.
We oil massaged and rock-a-bye babied and nose rubbed.
We slept. And woke up. And slept. And reached out to keep a little of each other always within arm's distance.
I inhaled baby smell. She sniffaroo-ed mama smell.
And then there was a monday morning, bath, change, ready and run. A huffed out, I-don't-want-to-see-your-face-when-I-do-this rushed 'bye shaayari' and a wail that follows you down the stairs, like a knife thrust.
Sometimes I wonder: which paycheque is worth that?
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