Married Woman, Single Mom!

Now just HOW well does that describe your condition honey?

If not too well, then thank your living stars. You have an angel for a partner, and one who is TRULY liberated, unshackled from age old hand-me-down social conditioning and who genuinely believes that being a primary care giver is a two parent deal.

I have a darling of a husband. He's a friend, philosopher, guide, buddy, pet, teddy bear, confidante and lover all rolled into one delicious one.

What he is NOT is a full time dad.

And so I say. I am a married woman. But a single mom. When it comes to raising our daughter, my husband suddenly becomes a room mate. A sweet, accomodating room mate who will always extend a helping hand with the baby when asked. Who will always be a great support in times of crisis and emergency.

So what's wrong with the above sentence? These phrases, to be precise:

'a helping hand'. 'when asked'. 'great support'. 'in times of crisis and emergency'.

Hey, that wasn't the deal remember? It was all very great for Rachel in Friends to have a super supportive roomy in Joey (who was ok with everything except sharing 'hugsie') but Mr. Husband, we did this together right? We decided together right? We made her together right?

Then I sort of took over and went through the minor part of pregnancy and delivery and breast feeding - but these three things apart, WHAT is it exactly that you find so difficult to do?

The truth I guess, girls, is that no matter how liberated, how forward looking and how progressive a man is, he does fall back upon social conditioning in all areas that are a bother to him.

To some men it may be the kitchen (with my hubby it isn't. The kitchen is his turf, not mine) and to some others, it may be child rearing (thats the one thats the one thats the one!!!).

As tokenism, my hubby has done it all. He has changed diapers (about six times), he has washed up after her poop (about thrice), he has rocked her to sleep (twice, so far I think) and he's taken her for her vaccination shots (once alone, about five times with me).

Our daughter is one and a half. I have held her and rocked her and fed her and soothed her and woken with her and slept with her and gaa-gaa-goo-gooed to her each day of each month for 18 months.

Not let up. No break. No sleep aways in the study. No weekend getaway.

And I have been working for nearly 15 months of those 18. The first 3 from home, the balance 12 from office.

Thankfully I work in a great organisation where I am ridiculously senior and ridiculously indulged, because I just happen to have been around for 8 years. And for the first six of those eight years I have busted my ass. So I am now granted my down time. And my team continues to do brilliantly well. And in this day and age of wi fi, blackberry and WAPplications, geography is an irrelevant detail.

So I work from home, I work from my mom's home which is also my daughter's day care centre, I work from the car, I work from our terrace study, I work from my bedroom, I work from my gym or any other goddamn place that the world can reach me.

And hear me over the din my baby is making at that point in time.

Whenever I need to get out for a drink with friends, or a movie, my husband dutifully babysits. As long as the nanny is around.

In 18 months, my husband hasn't spent a single hour alone with our girl. If you suggest that he be alone, truly alone with her, he'd double freak, flip out and run away and hide.

You know why? Oh no, not because he's a bad guy. He's a super good guy.

But because he genuinely believes he has a choice.

And I don't.

Simple. That's where the debate ends. And single parenting starts.

She's Alive.

Working moms are clearly immortal.

They have to be. Else they'd have died long ago.

Died of exhaustion. Died of anxiety. Died of overwork. Died of sleep deprivation. Died from an overdose of unwanted advice. Died of multi tasking mania.

Died of guilt.

Honestly, before we get into what a working mom lives with, works with, deals with, copes with, lets spend a moment in sheer wonder at the fact that she is still alive. And even more fascinating - she is still sane.

Be glad she's alive. If you listen carefully, if you pay a little bit of attention, you will get life's worthiest lessons from her.

Lessons on big heartedness. Lessons on patience. Lessons on sensitivity and compassion and empathy and fortitude and committment and caring.

Lessons in love. Pure unconditional love.

So go ahead. Spend some time with her. While's she wrecking her own physical mental and psychological well being, she can contribute hugely to yours.