After nearly 12 hours....
My baby hates parties. My baby hates crowds. As her stories and pictures amply demonstrate, she's a drop of pure sunshine in her own comfortable, familiar environs...
She plays, she gurgles, she laughs, she playacts, she's a regular dollop of delight...
But take her to extra loud, extra bright, extra crowded settings, especially in unfamiliar territory, and she dissolves into a mass of fear. And wails. Very very loudly. She's miserable and nothing soothes her until you get her out of that scary place...
I know that. And it doesn't surprise me, considering both her parents are pretty private, pretty reclusive people. So are her grandparents, largely. How is this girl, born into two highly introverted families, suddenly supposed to become a people seeker?
However, all situations can't be avoided. One doesn't want to appear rude. One doesn't want to seem unnecessarily unsociable.
So after turning down a rash of invitations one finally accepts one.
Last night was one such. A family do. My mom would be there. And other assorted relative-in-laws, from my brother's side.
Shaayari had been in top form all day. And I prepped her in advance saying we were going to place with lots of people, some babies, a dog, and granny. And she was not to be afraid, and she was to give all 'flying kishies' and say hi.
By the time we reached, it was nearly her bed time. Sleep grubby and confused, the house and lawn spilling with unfamiliar adults petrified my little one. She shrieked and howled. And awww... heartbreakingly - she remembered mommy's instructions, so in the midst of her wailing she kept blowing kisses at the highly amused and confused guests....
It didn't work. We had to rush her to a back room, switch on her favourite music channel on tv and rock her until she calmed. Which she did, the moment the crowd was out of sight...
But boy. Then the judgement started. How maladjusted. How socially inept. How badly brought up. How inccorrectly trained (hello, she's a child, not a dog) how singularly imperfect (hello, still a child, not a project!!).... How so-and-so's granddaughter loves all and sundry. And so-and-so's grandchild never cries. How that little one never watches any tv and this little one will say hello to all....
Yep, all old ladies. All competing with my mom and my mom getting embarassed on my daughter's behalf and offering explanations...
Which made me even more furious. Hey what happened to the family loving her for who she is and accepting her unconditionally? She's not an airconditioner who's tripped during the warranty period. She's my perfectly imperfect child of a myriad moods and many moments, high and low. She's my life experience and my greatest bag of surprises.
Why are we apologising on her behalf? Did she misbehave? No. Was she rude? No. Did she throw a tantrum and throw things? No.
Was she scared? Yes. Was she overwhelmed? Yes.
Hey. She's twenty months old.
Can she compete a little later please? Its bedtime. She's tired. I'd rather just sing her a lullaby.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Coming Home to Things
You come home from work and an exhausting gym session and find your baby alone in the house with the nanny and the cook (so far you're ok, you knew that)... with the front door wide open.
Yawning into a cruel stairwell, not to mention the unnamable horrors of life in Delhi.
Everyone is safe. Everyone is happy. Your baby jumps into your arms and as you inhale baby smell and feel podgy arms around your neck, you can't decide whether to wring the nanny and the cook's neck, or cuddle baby forever, or quit working.
Or simply thank a god you suddenly start believing in at such moments, for keeping baby safe.
This 'coming home to things' is the lot of working moms. The joys of it, the fears of it, the horrors of it, the delights of it, the wonders of it, the panic of it, the surprises of it, the shocks of it...
The utter unpredictable pallette of it.
The Coming Home to Things. And the realisation that for a mom, this is just the beginning.
Yawning into a cruel stairwell, not to mention the unnamable horrors of life in Delhi.
Everyone is safe. Everyone is happy. Your baby jumps into your arms and as you inhale baby smell and feel podgy arms around your neck, you can't decide whether to wring the nanny and the cook's neck, or cuddle baby forever, or quit working.
Or simply thank a god you suddenly start believing in at such moments, for keeping baby safe.
This 'coming home to things' is the lot of working moms. The joys of it, the fears of it, the horrors of it, the delights of it, the wonders of it, the panic of it, the surprises of it, the shocks of it...
The utter unpredictable pallette of it.
The Coming Home to Things. And the realisation that for a mom, this is just the beginning.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Some Tips for Sanity
Hey, as I was headed to the gym after work yesterday, going through the same push and pull dilemma that I brave every single evening, wondering whether it was fair to be so selfish when I could so easily see my daughter a good hour and a half in advance if I went straight to her instead of to the gym, I realised yet again how this very selfishness has kept me sane so far.
I don't know what sort of mom you are. Are you the mother earth type of mom? Did motherhood come to you naturally, easily? Did you wait with joy and anticipation for this stage of your life? Were you the sorts who'd pull the cheeks of random kids at malls, know the neighbour's kids by name, be the natural baby sitter choice for siblings and cousin's children, run to the reception when a colleague got a kid over, and then ooh and aah over their little bundles....
Well then maybe this post isn't for you.
I, for one, was none of the above.
Children never interested me. I never oohed and aahed over the boss's kids (though I suspect some people do that not for the kid but for the boss), I never went charging at kids at parties and I haven't ever cleaned the poop of my one and only brother's one and only son, though we used to live in the same house. I was the absentee fun aunt. Not the caring mom-surrogate.
Hence, parenting was one jumanji adventure for me. A game I am just about beginning to understand the rules of. A game I am barely learning to play.
While I completely dote on my daughter, I sometimes think I behave like the same 'fun' aunt with her, as I did with my nephew. I take my role as a care giver to be a duty. I take my role as a playmate much more seriously!!
If you feel you belong to the same category of Her Mommyness, here are some tips:
1. Have one purely selfish pursuit in your day, everyday, after the first 40 days post delivery get over. [you won't have time to be selfish before 40 days]. This pursuit should seriously be only about you. And take up a good hour or so of your day. [you may not be able to afford anything longer for a while]
2. Take care of your body. Get back into your pre pregnancy shape - whatever that shape was.
3. Avoid ANYBODY who calls you 'over the hill', 'fuddy duddy', 'loser' or 'ancient'. Even if that includes your husband.
4. Get yourself a good padeatrician. Trust me, you will bless yourself for this. Its as much for you as it is for the baby.
5. Buy make up. And use it.
6. Don't allow other new mommies to compete. If they get competitive, opt out. Children are way too precious for this ugly game.
7. Don't measure your love against milestones [refer to previous post]
8. If you used to drink before you got pregnant, start having the ocassional drink. [time it so it won't get into the next breastfeed!]
9. Insist that some nights are managed by somebody else - your spouse, the nanny, a friend, your parent anyone you can trust. I made the mistake of not doing this. Please don't. Every few weeks, insist on a full night entirely by yourself.
10. Eat chocolate.
11. Get facials.
12. If you are a reader, always somehow make the time for a good book. No matter what.
13. If you used to watch movies, find the first possible opportunity to start watching movies again. Once a week, at least.
14. This may seem early to you, but seriously, the sooner you do it the better - let your child know you are vulnerable. You too feel sad. And droopy. And exhausted. You are NOT super woman. How you communicate this will be uniquely individual to you, but somehow, get this across.
15. Don't feel compelled to attend any social do, event, ocassion, party for the wrong reasons i.e. obligation, duty or expectation. Go only if you feel like. Or junk it.
16. Tell yourself you will ONLY wear comfortable clothes, NO MATTER WHAT. Style, fashion, ocassion be damned. Comfort clothing and footwear is the one thing you owe yourself, for at least an entire year. Even if its a wedding you are going for.
17. Don't accomodate every visitor who wants to come and see the baby. Say no. Politely, but firmly, as many times as you wish to. You are allowed.
18. Put your head in your baby's lap, and take the baby's hand to stroke your face, during moments of pure exhaustion. Trust me, even though you know its make believe, that comforting will do you a world of good.
19. Make noise when the baby is asleep. Watch TV, listen to the radio, chat. Let the baby get used to sleeping in some noise, else you'll forever be walking on your tiptoes and speaking in whispers.
20. Don't keep getting into a flap whenever its time to breast feed, looking for a dupatta to cover yourself, or hunting for an empty room while the baby wails in your arm. Throw people out. You have first right. If you were in the sitting room with three other people, let the other 3 leave and shut the door behind them. You stay where you are and start feeding. Its others who need to be considerate during this time, not you.
21. Stay away from all older mothers who viciously try and tell you its only going to get worse. Trust me, its not. It gets better every single day. Those who say it gets worse are just being malicious. Or else they were such lousy moms that maybe it got worse for them, who knows. You don't need to.
22. Get back to work as soon as you feel ready. Not a day earlier, not a day later. Don't go earlier out of a sense of obligation to the job - most companies are very sensitive to maternity issues these days. And don't go later out of a sense of obligation to the baby (even though you've organised the best, safest and most reliable day care possible) because the sooner the baby gets used to the fact that 'mommy leaves and then comes back' the sooner you'll be able to get your career back on track. And for us "Mom's at Work" that's important, right?
I don't know what sort of mom you are. Are you the mother earth type of mom? Did motherhood come to you naturally, easily? Did you wait with joy and anticipation for this stage of your life? Were you the sorts who'd pull the cheeks of random kids at malls, know the neighbour's kids by name, be the natural baby sitter choice for siblings and cousin's children, run to the reception when a colleague got a kid over, and then ooh and aah over their little bundles....
Well then maybe this post isn't for you.
I, for one, was none of the above.
Children never interested me. I never oohed and aahed over the boss's kids (though I suspect some people do that not for the kid but for the boss), I never went charging at kids at parties and I haven't ever cleaned the poop of my one and only brother's one and only son, though we used to live in the same house. I was the absentee fun aunt. Not the caring mom-surrogate.
Hence, parenting was one jumanji adventure for me. A game I am just about beginning to understand the rules of. A game I am barely learning to play.
While I completely dote on my daughter, I sometimes think I behave like the same 'fun' aunt with her, as I did with my nephew. I take my role as a care giver to be a duty. I take my role as a playmate much more seriously!!
If you feel you belong to the same category of Her Mommyness, here are some tips:
1. Have one purely selfish pursuit in your day, everyday, after the first 40 days post delivery get over. [you won't have time to be selfish before 40 days]. This pursuit should seriously be only about you. And take up a good hour or so of your day. [you may not be able to afford anything longer for a while]
2. Take care of your body. Get back into your pre pregnancy shape - whatever that shape was.
3. Avoid ANYBODY who calls you 'over the hill', 'fuddy duddy', 'loser' or 'ancient'. Even if that includes your husband.
4. Get yourself a good padeatrician. Trust me, you will bless yourself for this. Its as much for you as it is for the baby.
5. Buy make up. And use it.
6. Don't allow other new mommies to compete. If they get competitive, opt out. Children are way too precious for this ugly game.
7. Don't measure your love against milestones [refer to previous post]
8. If you used to drink before you got pregnant, start having the ocassional drink. [time it so it won't get into the next breastfeed!]
9. Insist that some nights are managed by somebody else - your spouse, the nanny, a friend, your parent anyone you can trust. I made the mistake of not doing this. Please don't. Every few weeks, insist on a full night entirely by yourself.
10. Eat chocolate.
11. Get facials.
12. If you are a reader, always somehow make the time for a good book. No matter what.
13. If you used to watch movies, find the first possible opportunity to start watching movies again. Once a week, at least.
14. This may seem early to you, but seriously, the sooner you do it the better - let your child know you are vulnerable. You too feel sad. And droopy. And exhausted. You are NOT super woman. How you communicate this will be uniquely individual to you, but somehow, get this across.
15. Don't feel compelled to attend any social do, event, ocassion, party for the wrong reasons i.e. obligation, duty or expectation. Go only if you feel like. Or junk it.
16. Tell yourself you will ONLY wear comfortable clothes, NO MATTER WHAT. Style, fashion, ocassion be damned. Comfort clothing and footwear is the one thing you owe yourself, for at least an entire year. Even if its a wedding you are going for.
17. Don't accomodate every visitor who wants to come and see the baby. Say no. Politely, but firmly, as many times as you wish to. You are allowed.
18. Put your head in your baby's lap, and take the baby's hand to stroke your face, during moments of pure exhaustion. Trust me, even though you know its make believe, that comforting will do you a world of good.
19. Make noise when the baby is asleep. Watch TV, listen to the radio, chat. Let the baby get used to sleeping in some noise, else you'll forever be walking on your tiptoes and speaking in whispers.
20. Don't keep getting into a flap whenever its time to breast feed, looking for a dupatta to cover yourself, or hunting for an empty room while the baby wails in your arm. Throw people out. You have first right. If you were in the sitting room with three other people, let the other 3 leave and shut the door behind them. You stay where you are and start feeding. Its others who need to be considerate during this time, not you.
21. Stay away from all older mothers who viciously try and tell you its only going to get worse. Trust me, its not. It gets better every single day. Those who say it gets worse are just being malicious. Or else they were such lousy moms that maybe it got worse for them, who knows. You don't need to.
22. Get back to work as soon as you feel ready. Not a day earlier, not a day later. Don't go earlier out of a sense of obligation to the job - most companies are very sensitive to maternity issues these days. And don't go later out of a sense of obligation to the baby (even though you've organised the best, safest and most reliable day care possible) because the sooner the baby gets used to the fact that 'mommy leaves and then comes back' the sooner you'll be able to get your career back on track. And for us "Mom's at Work" that's important, right?
Monday, February 22, 2010
From PA to Parent
After 18 astounding, amazing, arduous, adventurous and awe inspiring months, I have wisened up to one very obvious, very basic truth.
A truth that we all probably intellectually know, but to grasp it at an emotional level takes time. Genuinely. And a fair amount of soul searching.
It is really important, essential even, to sit back, relax and enjoy your baby for who she is, and not view her simply as a milestone checklist.
Whoa. Hang on. Don't say 'but thats obvious'.... I know it is. But you don't even realise when you start to slip into the checklist mentality, especially nowadays, with so much written, shared, blogged, texted, exchanged about parenting.
When we were growing up, things were probably less specialised but also more holistic. Children were viewed as little people. Not a separate species. This had its bad as well as its good. I remember being taken to the same family doctor as the rest of the family, when I fell ill. Ma says we kids never had padeatricians. She can't even recall when we quit the bottle or started on solid food or any of those details, not just because it was so many years ago, but also because she wasn't keep track or writing dates on a diary. Nor was anybody telling her to achieve a certain target by a certain date.
She more or less went with her instinct, and far more importantly, with a sense of what we kids were ready for. And even, what she, as a mother and a woman, was ready for. As a result, whatever we did or achieved happened at a very organic level.
Compare that to today, when everyone, from the padeats to peers, are constantly giving you targets: Only breastfeed for the first 6 months. Don't give the bottle. Oh now give the bottle. Now you should be able to see so many teeth. Now there should be x number of words spoken. Now she should be crawling. What, isn't she running? O now stop the bottle. Start on solid food. Start on one fruit. Isn't she having juice? O doesn't she smile at strangers? Get her into a play group. O why aren't you taking other mothers out for lunch. O how much sun does she see? O she should by now be spending x hours outdoors. Only x minutes of TV. O start brushing without paste. Now start brushing with paste. Why did you start toilet training so early. O why haven't you started toilet training yet? Aren't you telling bed time stories still? O doesn't she understand cartoon shows?
O man. Before you know it, all you are doing is ticking off on a mental checklist. Your baby is only as pleasing as the next milestone she achieves. Your baby is laughing, but at the wrong time. Your baby is pointing, but at the wrong thing. Your baby is playing, but the wrong game...
And then one day you wake up to the sheer beauty and wonder and joy and delight and unique magical gift that she is.
And the entire weight falls off your shoulder.
You smile. You laugh. You gurgle back.
Congratulations. You just became a parent.
A truth that we all probably intellectually know, but to grasp it at an emotional level takes time. Genuinely. And a fair amount of soul searching.
It is really important, essential even, to sit back, relax and enjoy your baby for who she is, and not view her simply as a milestone checklist.
Whoa. Hang on. Don't say 'but thats obvious'.... I know it is. But you don't even realise when you start to slip into the checklist mentality, especially nowadays, with so much written, shared, blogged, texted, exchanged about parenting.
When we were growing up, things were probably less specialised but also more holistic. Children were viewed as little people. Not a separate species. This had its bad as well as its good. I remember being taken to the same family doctor as the rest of the family, when I fell ill. Ma says we kids never had padeatricians. She can't even recall when we quit the bottle or started on solid food or any of those details, not just because it was so many years ago, but also because she wasn't keep track or writing dates on a diary. Nor was anybody telling her to achieve a certain target by a certain date.
She more or less went with her instinct, and far more importantly, with a sense of what we kids were ready for. And even, what she, as a mother and a woman, was ready for. As a result, whatever we did or achieved happened at a very organic level.
Compare that to today, when everyone, from the padeats to peers, are constantly giving you targets: Only breastfeed for the first 6 months. Don't give the bottle. Oh now give the bottle. Now you should be able to see so many teeth. Now there should be x number of words spoken. Now she should be crawling. What, isn't she running? O now stop the bottle. Start on solid food. Start on one fruit. Isn't she having juice? O doesn't she smile at strangers? Get her into a play group. O why aren't you taking other mothers out for lunch. O how much sun does she see? O she should by now be spending x hours outdoors. Only x minutes of TV. O start brushing without paste. Now start brushing with paste. Why did you start toilet training so early. O why haven't you started toilet training yet? Aren't you telling bed time stories still? O doesn't she understand cartoon shows?
O man. Before you know it, all you are doing is ticking off on a mental checklist. Your baby is only as pleasing as the next milestone she achieves. Your baby is laughing, but at the wrong time. Your baby is pointing, but at the wrong thing. Your baby is playing, but the wrong game...
And then one day you wake up to the sheer beauty and wonder and joy and delight and unique magical gift that she is.
And the entire weight falls off your shoulder.
You smile. You laugh. You gurgle back.
Congratulations. You just became a parent.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Leaving Town
My first night away, my baby
I can't deflect it anymore
Chained to a job that expects a bit more...
Its been over two years,
Its some gratitude time
They have been so patient
Refusing wouldn't be so nice.
My airline of choice
Has downgraded me from platinum to blue
My frequent flyer miles
I can't deflect it anymore
Chained to a job that expects a bit more...
Its been over two years,
Its some gratitude time
They have been so patient
Refusing wouldn't be so nice.
My airline of choice
Has downgraded me from platinum to blue
My frequent flyer miles
Have been eaten up too
But as I take that flight
And spend that night
In a hotel room
My first unbroken sleep
In a millenia of gloom
I hope you won't cry baby
Mama's got a job
I hope you won't reach out in the dark
And whimper and sob
Because its so far away
And the first flight is at daylight
And in between
There's you and me
And an aloof sea
And the unwinding of one night........
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Broken Sleep
And with what adhesive do you join it back? Hold it tight so the breakage mends.
And baby sleep is whole again?
And baby sleep is whole again?
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